CONFESSION TIME: Embracing My Sexuality

• October 19, 2015 • Comments (0)

Frau verdeckt mit den Hnden den IntimbereichOn this week’s Confessions, Nicole Oman reveals her struggle with owning her past sexuality, and how it had been haunting her, even through her successful marriage. She finally embraced her past and instantly found peace in her acceptance. Her Confession hits home to what many woman feel: ashamed for being sexual beings, or for experiencing life through sex. We are called sluts, whores, you name it—but the worst part really is not that we call other women this; it is that we call OURSELVES these horrible names.

So, here I am, about to own my sexuality, just like Niki did. This is actually a two-part Confession: the shame of being a virgin, and the shame of being a “slut”, if you can even call it that.

When I met my to-be-husband, I was a virgin. I had a few sexual experiences with other men—actually, quite interesting ones—but never had sex itself. My virgin status was not because I was saving myself for the right man; there just were no takers. I actually had one man tell me he couldn’t because that was a gift that he couldn’t take away from me (and yes, he was for real; that keeper is still my friend today). But that didn’t stop me from being flirtatious and open to what may come (no pun intended). It was so humiliating to me that I was still a virgin in college, as if something was wrong with me.

I was a late bloomer; living in a little bubble with a few heart-breaking, unrequited crushes, but no first kiss until I was 17, and no boyfriend until 19. But from the onset of that first kiss (which was in public on a bus ride with friends, of course lol), my curiosity for all things sex was activated, and it was a real struggle at times. Do I follow my mother’s guidance to wait for the right person? Or do I explore like this inner voice inside wanted me to? So, I took the road in between—exploration without going all the way. But feeling like a slut all the way.

When my to-be-husband and I were dating, I shared with him some of the things I had done, and I felt ashamed. It took him a while to come around and not make me feel like a bad person for my experiences, but he agreed to put them in the past, and we moved forward with an average sex life. I soon repressed a lot of those past experiences and curiosities—until it starting wreaking havoc on myself and my relationship.

The closer we got and spoke about marriage, the more I freaked out that I would only sleep with one man my entire life. Maybe that sounds silly, but there was a part of me that really, really resisted that idea. I wanted to know what it was like with more than one man. I was embarrassed to be a virgin going into this relationship. I was embarrassed that these fantasies inside of me would never play out. I was embarrassed that I even had these thoughts. This was the love of my life, and I had to give all of these notions up because happily ever after had just arrived.

Easier said then done, because the shame spiraled in other ways. While dating, I kissed another man—twice—because he made me feel passionate, like he wanted to sleep with me. Right before I boarded the plane for a 6-month study abroad program in Spain, my boyfriend talked me out of a break-up, but caught me packing condoms anyway “just in case a friend needed them”. I wanted to officially break up so that if an experience with another man came along, I could do it with a clear conscience, and no guilt. But “first love” overruled, and we stayed together, and I stayed faithful. We broke up briefly after that, and without being with another man, ended up back committed to him, engaged, and married before I gave my sexual needs another thought. As a result of this conversation with Niki, I found the courage to finally tell my ex-husband this week what I had done those 20 years ago, and it has freed me up to heal a wound that has plagued me unknowingly for years – the truth really has set me free. But that’s for another blog 😉

Fast forward 10 years to a divorce, and all of these wounds and shames revisited…with a cherry on top. Now, I finally had my opportunity to not sleep with just one man my entire life just like I had always wanted. Yet I felt so much shame and embarrassment that I had only been with one man—how inexperienced I was, and how I must suck in bed and be so disappointing, and how men won’t be attracted to me because of this reason and that, and so on. You name it, I’ve said it to myself.

But then the healing began as I met a few key men who helped me to change my perspective on intimacy, and I entered a world of true self expression and embraced my sexuality.  I allowed curiosity to run its course. Younger men, older men. Boring men, forbidden men. Affectionate men, kinky men. With each one, I learned more and more about myself—and how okay I actually was to be this sexual. We are conditioned to think sex with more than one partner is unacceptable—watching movies like “What’s Your Number?” as if we sleep with a certain number of men, we are damaged goods. Who cares? As long as you are being safe and responsible, who cares, really??

I did, for the longest time. The guilt and the shame were self-deprecating, and because why? Because I’m not entitled to enjoy myself? I’m not allowed to connect intimately and deeply with another person unless we are bonded in a commitment? I’m not allowed to act like a woman behind closed doors (or open ones) because I have to be a lady in public? I’m not allowed to be with others who encourage and embrace creative desire and sexual expressiveness and curiosity because society looks down upon anything that isn’t man-woman missionary? I threw my grandmother’s book on how to please your man out a long time ago, and it’s time that we all step out of the dark ages.

My perception on sex and sexuality has shifted once more, to where now I am curious about a deeper, committed type of connection, and I’m not interested in the flings anymore. That era has passed. But that’s not because of shaming or because I look down on them—and not because I intend to settle for an average sex life ever again—but because my soul is looking for a much different experience now. And I no longer judge myself for anything in my past—virgin or explorer—because within this body, this temple, is a goddess power that is my own, and she is sacred in any way she chooses to express herself. If she wants to be coy and demure, then she shall be. If she wants to be wildly seductive and free, she shall be. But that choice is up to me, and me alone.

And that choice is up to you alone. Without the shame. Without the guilt. Without the judgment. Just simply expressed.

 

Want to check out my interview with Nicole? Check it out in the video below!

Category: Confessions

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